1 Corinthians 7:8-16

We continue our series looking at relationships based on 1 Corinthians 7.  Last time we looked at the gift of sex within marriage and this evening we look at a very difficult issue - the bible’s view of divorce and remarriage.

Paul spoke into a Corinthian culture which took marriage and sex lightly and was immensely confused. Our days are equally corinthian for there is great confusion on these issues, not only outside the church but within the church.

The current situation where divorce is increasingly common and almost easy – although divorce is never easy – has arisen over a number of years. Andrew Cornes’ in his book summarises some of the main causes for the current situation.

1.    The stress on rights, not duties

2.    Unrealistic expectations of easy and sustained happiness in marriage

3.    The emancipation of women (inc. more economic independence, imp. of careers, change of expectations in male and female roles)

4.    Removal of parental support with families often living many miles from the extended family

5.    The general acceptance of divorce and remarriage (compare today to the abdication crisis in 1936 when Edward VIII wanted to marry Mrs Wallis Simpson).

6.    The decline in respect for religion aligned with rise in co-habitation

7.    Early remarriage which has tended to lead to more divorce

8.    Two world wars – a combination of hasty marriages and long separations

9.    The divorce law changes  - notably in 1938, 1973 and 1984. From 1937 to 1989 divorces rose from about 5000 to 150,000 per year.  Currently stands about 144,000 per year with one in five of those being people who were divorced previously.

10.    The Change in Christian attitudes. It used to be that churches would not approve of divorces and even then only if there was adultery. And even where there was adultery many churches were reluctant to remarry. There has been a bit of a sea change in this over the last couple of decades.  A combination of things are said – Jesus was presenting the ideal, yes the bible seems to be black and white on this but pastorally most of us deal with shades of grey and each situation is so different; there are various interpretations and how can we be sure what the right one is; the culture we live in is so different; can we turn divorce into the unforgiveable sin, and so on…

One thing is clear. Divorce is devastating. Cornes says this “Divorce is always an emotional bombshell…it turns out invariably to be far harder than either imagined. It crushes self confidence, it rouses anger and guilt, it promotes insecurity, it complicates interpersonal relationships. Its effects are frequently compared with those of bereavement and, perhaps, even more than in bereavement, it takes several years for the emotional wounds to heal.” Andrew Cornes p.25 Divorce and Remarriage (Mentor)

What does the Bible say exactly? We will focus on two passages – 1 Cor.7:8-16, Mt.19:1-12. But first let us define what marriage is. John Stott’s definition: he says marriage has four characteristics – Marriage is an exclusive relationship (a man and his wife), which is publicly acknowledged (leaves his parents: yes physically but certainly also emotionally and psychologically), permanent (cleaves to his wife) and consummated by sexual intercourse (they will become one flesh). Thus we can define it as follows – “an exclusive, heterosexual covenant between one man and one woman, ordained and sealed by God; preceded by a public leaving of parents, consummated in sexual union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership and normally crowned by the gift of children.” For what it is worth cohabitation does not fit this because normally the permanent quality is missing, there is no commitment for life; and a civil partnership between two men or two women falls short for it is not a heterosexual union. So if any of these elements is missing we do not have a biblical marriage.

There is a leaving, a cleaving, or a clinging to each other permanently, and there is a uniting. The bible speaks of the union here in the passive tense. When man and woman become one flesh it is something that is done to them. They become one - a transformation takes place in which they are passive participants as well as being active themselves in the act. But there is a unity, a oneness here that is key to understanding marriage. (Mt.19:6 Jesus says “So they are no longer two but one”.)

The marriage bond is more than a human contract, it is a bond, a covenant, and this is relevant when we come to look at the issue of divorce. God has joined two parties and made them one. Andrew Cornes again says “When a couple separates, then it is not simply that two individuals who may or may not have drawn close together part and pursue their independent lives. It is that a whole, a unity which was constituted by marriage, is unnaturally torn apart leaving both parties incomplete”. We say in the marriage ceremony “what God has joined together no man should put asunder”. The joining is done by God.

This leads us to another profound point about marriage. It is not just about two people coming together, it is about God being part of that marriage and it is a union that reflects a deeper union, the union of Jesus with his church. Marriage is a model, a display, an illustration of a greater marriage – the marriage of Christ with the church. We see this in Ephesians 5:31-32  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church.” There is a deep spiritual unity between a husband and wife that is meant to reflect the deep spiritual unity between Jesus and his church. When we die that marriage bond is broken but it is reflected more fully and deeply in the new heaven and new earth where we have a union with Jesus. There is no marriage in heaven – it is unnecessary for Jesus is the groom and the church is the bride. One marriage is replaced by a deeper marriage. Jesus made this clear in Mt.22:30 “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven”. A side point of this is that death dissolves marriage and a person is free to remarry after the death of a spouse (whether they were married to the spouse or separated from them). (see Romans 7:2-3)

All this is laying the ground or the foundations before we come actually to what Jesus and Paul say about divorce. We have to start with the Bible’s view of marriage before we can talk about the bible’s view of divorce and remarriage. To summarise

1.    Jesus and Paul have a very high view of marriage.

2.    Marriage has four main elements – exclusive between male and female, a public leaving, permanent and consummated. (Gen.2:24)

3.    God is involved in the marriage (whether wedding in the church or not)

4.    God joins together. (Malachi 2:15-16)  It is more than a human contract, it is a divine covenant.

5.    Marriage forms a new family unit which takes precedence over the old one. A husband’s or wife’s first loyalty is now to their spouse and children over their parents. That does not mean they owe no loyalty to their parent – they should still love and honour them, but the priority becomes the new family unit that has been formed.

6.    It is meant to be permanent. God hates divorce (Mal.2:16)

7.    Marriage is a reflection of the union between Christ and his Church. It is a mystery and just as Christ is committed to his church we should love and commit ourselves to one another (Eph. 5:31-32)

8.    Death frees a spouse from the marriage and allows them to remarry (1 Cor.7:39 and Rom.7:2-3).

Now let us look in detail at Matthew 19:1-12 and 1 Cor.7:8-16.

Matthew 19:1-12   1When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.  3Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"  4"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."  7"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"  8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."  10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."  11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

Here Jesus exalts the biblical view of marriage. In Moses’ day divorce was permitted, not commanded, and it was permitted because of the hardness of the people’s hearts and because of sinful relationships. People were viewing what Moses had said as a license to divorce easily but it was for a specific situation where “there was some indecency” or some immorality that had occurred. Jesus wants to tighten up on the lax attitude and he emphasises that marriage ought to be for life. The Pharisees want to emphasise separation, he wants to emphasise union. This should always be the case when people realise that their marriage is in trouble. The emphasis should always be first on help, on strengthening the union, on reconciliation and forgiveness rather than on separation and divorce. Everything possible should be tried to make the marriage work – this is where the emphasis needs to be.

In v.9 he says “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” The other gospels do not mention the exception and scholars feel they left it out because it was assumed or implied. Matthew is making clear what others assumed – divorce was allowable where there was adultery.

Some argue that the words here in the greek rendered -“ sexual immorality” are used instead of the normal word for “adultery” because Jesus was referring to a betrothal period and to immorality during that time –which is fornication and not adultery. Those who take this view say that divorce is only allowable then in the very narrow instance of sexual immorality during the betrothal period. I do not take this view – it is a minority view among theologians and pastors. I think Jesus is just using a broader term to allow for various situations such as adultery or fornication or other sexual immorality.

It is clear here that Jesus is prohibiting divorce except for marital unfaithfulness. If a person divorces and remarries for any other reason he is saying that any second marriage begins with adultery. The disciples view this as a very hard teaching (“if such is the case it is better not to marry” v.10), and probably many today in our culture view it as such also.

Is this the only allowable reason for a divorce. Well when we come to 1 Corinthians Paul refers to another situation. What happens if two people marry and one of them becomes a Christian?

1 Cor.7:8-16    8Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.  10To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.  12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.  15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

So the believer and the unbeliever should stay together (1 Cor.7:12-14). But if the unbeliever says they cannot stay in the marriage and want out Paul is saying in such a case where it becomes impossible to keep the marriage going the unbeliever may leave the and the believer should allow them to leave. However he does not specifically address the question of whether the believer is then free to remarry. There are two views here. One view is that the believer is free to remarry. Another view is that because Paul does not specifically mention remarriage then his absolute statements in v.10 and in v.39 should determine the situation, so a believer should not remarry as long as the first spouse is living. Incidentally some take it further and use Paul’s sweeping prohibition as also referring even to the innocent party where there has been adultery and therefore even an innocent party should not remarry until and unless their first spouse dies.

The other reason given is that because God has joined the original parties together that bond exists spiritually and cannot be broken. It is like being superglued together and to tear that apart and superglue another relationship onto it is wrong and is actually adulterous regardless of the innocence of one of the parties. The early church and until recently the main churches tended towards this view. It does not seem fair or just; also there is no verse that explicitly says the innocent party of adultery should not remarry and for those reasons I am inclined against it.

Some would argue that Paul’s exception could be widened to include a situation of violence in the home or an abusive relationship. The spirit if not the letter would say if a person is being subjected to constant abuse - physical or verbal - they should not be required to stay in such a relationship. (see Cornes p.300)  Others say yes they should leave but do not necessarily seek a divorce.

What of situations where there has been irretrievable breakdown – to use the language of the law of our country, or where a couple says “we just don’t love each other any more”.

Marriages do irretrievably break down, and marriages of Christians also do, but there are a number of things to say here. First a marriage does not break down overnight, it tends to be over a period of time and when the first signs of breakdown and coldness within the relationship are occurring then it is time to seek help. Too many people leave it far too late to get help and satan also seeks to ensure that they do not get help until it is too late. So if your marriage is in trouble get help. The irretrievable is more retrievable than you think.

Second, enter marriage and continue with marriage in the mindset that it is for life, separation and divorce should not be an option. Too many people go for the separation option too easily and the law currently makes it easy. We should consider that as the absolutely last resort and a lot of work and prayer and effort needs to be put in before you even consider separation.

Thirdly, seek to affair proof and divorce proof your marriage by keeping your marriage fresh, your romantic life alive, the maintenance of the marriage a priority. Someone once said marriages may be made in heaven but they take a lot of maintenance on earth. Without maintenance even the strongest marriages can come under immense strain.

Fourthly, sometimes you come to that point where you have tried and it is not working and sadly and regrettably you part. Separation is not the same as divorce and maybe you should just stay separated and not proceed for a divorce for who knows there might be a possibility of reconciliation in the future. Do not give up on that hope especially if you are a christian.

Fifthly, where there is a divorce and if you are a christian you have some hard teaching to deal with here from Jesus and Paul. If you have not separated for the two reasons of adultery or because your spouse was not a Christian then the weight of scripture suggests that you should not marry again, this should be one of the consequences of what has happened – that you remain single.

Now this is where pastorally it gets very difficult. Some will say well if a person is in a bad marriage, although not adulterous, are they not better out of it? It is like a prison and would they not be better starting life afresh with a new spouse. Others say “well in preventing divorce or remarriage are we not turning divorce and remarriage into the unforgiveable sin. In preventing a person from remarrying you are stopping the grace of God working and the possibility of God being able to bless a second marriage albeit in an imperfect situation”.

Others again say we live in a fallen world. Jesus here is presenting the ideal but we fall short in so much of our lives, not just in this area of marriage. These things happen and we need to allow God’s grace to cover such situations – we are fallen creatures and let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

Remarriage where marriage has broken down but not for adultery?

I suppose this is why the whole thing is so difficult pastorally. I am troubled by marriages that break up in general. I am even more troubled where they break up and divorce is sought where adultery is not the main cause of the break up, but pastorally I am still inclined to remarry people where the main cause is not adultery. I do this for a number of reasons although still with a heavy heart. 1. I remarry people because yes we do live in a fallen world and all of us fall short of God’s ideal. 2. I do it because I recognise in my experience that even where there is adultery it is rare to say that there is absolutely no fault with one side. Sometimes it does happen and there is a totally innocent party; other times when you look below the surface you find there were mistakes on both sides. It never excuses adultery but sometimes you can see where the temptations became more real due to a lack of maintenance by both sides. Marriage break up is rarely black and white and all one person’s fault. 3. I also seek to ensure before remarriage that people have learnt their lessons from the last experience. That they bring to the second marriage a wisdom and a humility that was missing before. 4. Another factor for me is that sometimes a person has become a Christian in the intervening period and they are seeking to marry another Christian and to make a solid Christian marriage where the previous marriage was not. This too is a factor although the fact that you are in a non-christian marriage, as Paul says, is not an excuse or reason for seeking a divorce.

5. Another thing to say is that ultimately people have to do what they feel is right before God. Their conscience has to be clear. I sometimes marry people in their first marriages, and I wonder is it going to work, but ultimately they have to take responsibility. I marry people where the spiritual state of one may be stronger than the other and I take the view that God is bigger than us and he can sort out these things. Conscience and responsibility lie primarily with the couple. That does not mean that I bear no responsibility, for I do. My conscience has been troubled and will continue to be in certain situations and maybe in those I will have to say look I wish you all the best but I am afraid for my own conscience I cannot marry you. That will be a difficult call, but sometimes I may have to make it. I too must answer to God for what I do.

But over all and through all I do believe in the grace of God and God can even turn second marriages, which may start with adultery in Jesus’ terms, and he can redeem them. John Piper, who actually does take a very strong line on this and will not remarry divorcees says this  - “Ultimately I do not think that a person who remarries against God’s will and thus commits adultery, should later break the second marriage. The marriage should not have been done, but now that it is done, it should not be undone by man. It is a real marriage. Real covenant vows have been made. And that real covenant of marriage may be purified by the blood of Jesus and set apart for God. In other words, I do not think that a couple who repent and seek God’s forgiveness and receive his cleansing should think of their lives as ongoing adultery, even though, in the eyes of Jesus, that is how the relationship started….if we have sinned God will give us the grace to repent and receive forgiveness and move forward in radical new obedience The gospel of Christ crucified is the foundation of our lives. Marriage exists to display it. And when marriage breaks down, the gospel is there to forgive and heal and sustain until he comes, or until he calls.”    (John Piper This Momentary Marriage (IVP) p.170, 175)

This whole topic is immensely difficult. And perhaps it is right that it should be for sin in any form grieves the heart of our God and many tears have been shed over broken marriages – tears shed on earth and tears shed in heaven. But let us above all take seriously what God says here in His word. Marriage is precious, it is God’s chosen way of reflecting deep spiritual truths and his relationship with his church. It reflects the covenant keeping love between Christ and his church. It can never be entered into lightly and can never be broken lightly.

May God help us all to keep faith with our partners, keep faith with our God, and if a separation comes may we as the church learn to love and support one another through the trauma that follows and glorify God even through such things.

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